Agree or disagree: Honest Christians don’t just confess their own sins; they love others enough to confront them when they become caught in sin.

Maybe the better question isn’t whether you agree or not. It’s whether you’d actually do it. It’s so much easier to keep quiet about it and hope someone else steps forward to deal with it. Or, if I’m being really honest, the even easier option that I tend to fall for is the feeling of relief I experience when I see that others sin just like me. And part of that is okay—the part where we realize we’re all in the same boat: sinful, forgiven, and dearly loved. The part that’s not okay is if we use that “same boat” mindset to stay put rather than to encourage ourselves and others to change course away from sin and toward our Savior.

But how do we actually do that? Practically speaking, what does confronting with love sound and look like?

1. It starts with sincerely caring about your friend, neighbor, coworker, classmate, or teammate like Jesus did. And I don’t just mean kinda; I mean actually viewing them as someone Jesus died for. In Luke’s account of Jesus’ life, there’s a story about some men who brought their sick friend to Jesus to be healed. These men wanted their friend to be healed so badly that they carried him to Jesus and lowered him down from a roof just to get their friend in front of the Savior. How badly do you want your fellow human to experience a different and better life—a life free from the sin that they’ve found themselves caught in? Do you set aside time to pray for and with them about each other’s physical and spiritual sicknesses? If you’re not already doing that, start today.
2. The second step is to begin your tough conversation with a simple question: How are you really doing? If the person you’re confronting knows that you’re coming from a position of teammate versus judge, they’re less likely to get defensive or angry. In his explanation of the Eighth Commandment (which deals specifically with honesty), the reformer Martin Luther said that we are to take our neighbor’s words and actions in the kindest possible way. Every human being on the planet has a reason for the choices he or she makes, including the sinful ones. Many times those choices are rooted in insecurity, fear, anxiety, grief, loneliness, or any of the other billions of complex emotions we have. Offer your fellow human the opportunity to share where they are and what else they might be wrestling with. Then tie your response to your confrontation: I’m so glad I asked how you’re REALLY doing. I’ll be honest, I knew you were wrestling with [pornography, alcohol, cheating, lying, gossiping], but I didn’t know about all these other details. I think these things might all be connected.”
3. Humbly share your concern about the sin you’ve witnessed in their life. In Paul’s first letter to the church in Corinth, he tells believers that we’re all part of the same team—the body of believers. Teammates look out for one another. “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I don’t need you!’ And the head cannot say to the feet, ‘I don’t need you!’ . . . But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it” (1 Corinthians 12:21,24-26). Share a time that you wrestled with temptation or sin and how it impacted your relationship with God. Tell the person you’re confronting that you—and, more important, God—are on their team. Pray together, and try brainstorming a practical option or two that will help him or her draw closer to God in this battle.

I know I made this seem really clean and simple. In reality, the conversation will not be so cut-and-dried. But it’s a place to start, and many times that’s the hardest obstacle to overcome. If you still feel a bit uneasy, check out these additional resources on the topic of honest, loving confrontation:

• My family and I recently listened to Pastor Mike’s message “Who Am I to Judge” from the Trends vs. Truth series. It says a lot about how to wrestle with our own sins as we also hold our loved ones accountable to God’s truth—SO GOOD!
• Check out another one of my recent Time of Grace blog posts: “The Buddy System.” It walks you through a really simple way to be proactive and create a microculture of transparency that helps keep the door open for honest, loving confrontation.